Disclaimer - Yes, this is a work of satire. Fiction, if you will. Any resemblance to actual memos, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Shaky McWhorter
Corporate Manager
Rewards Division

Greetings Fellow Booksellers,

I am proud to announce that our company has decided that a more solid employer/employee relationship would be beneficial for everyone involved, so the executives have asked me personally to inform you about all the exciting new programs, ideas, and thoughts that are coming out of the head office.

Actually, we had to draw straws at our weekly company party, and while I can't prove it, I'm fairly certain that Hinkly from accounting switched my average sized straw with the shortest one. I was rather inebriated at the time, so like I said, I can't prove it, but that's not important right now. What is important is that I'm going to be filling you in on everything you need to know to be the best, most productive representative of our company you possibly can be! Isn't that exciting?

Now, I know all the good employees are very enthusiastic about our new policy regarding Personal Shopping Days. Yes, we still want all of you to break your backs promoting our Rewards Cards, but we just don't want our customers to actually use them! I'm sure everyone is currently aware that should a Personal Shopping Day appear on the screen when we scan a customer's Rewards card, we are absolutely prohibited of informing them of said Shopping Day.

After all, when a customer makes a hundred dollar purchase, and a clerk doesn't tell them they could have saved ten percent on the whole thing, it's not going to be me they're yelling at when they go home and find an email waiting for them announcing they had a Personal Shopping Day the whole time! I'm going to be safely hidden away in a corporate antechamber up at the head office (or possibly just in my summer home in the Hamptons).

Ha-ha, just kidding! We highly value every single one of our employees, and as such, want them to be as well equipped to deal with these scenarios as humanly possible, so luckily our new science division is developing ways to do exactly that. Now, I don't understand all the technology - or even the legal ramifications - but I have been informed that by Christmas, each and every register at every Borders across the continental United States is going to be fitted with a very clever device. This will be used whenever an irrate customer comes up to the counter and demands that he or she be able to use their Personal Shopping Day.

Our technicians have very cleverly developed a device that simulates a broadwave electro-neurological pulse of some kind. Naturally, we have invested millions in this technology, millions that could have been used to pay all of you fair wages, not to mention even possibly provide good, affordable healthcare. But as my supervisor is fond of pointing out at our board meetings - before Marty breaks out the imported wine - this is corporate America, and he assures me we don't have time for rational thought. It's much easier to equip every register in every store with a little red button that will trigger an electro-neurological pulse of undetermined range to temporarily confuse our customers into believing they've used their Personal Shopping Days.

So, say a customer comes up to you and demands that you re-ring his purchase after he has gone home and discovered that the store failed to inform him he had a Personal Shopping Day. All you have to do is smile politely, assure him that a manager is on the way to quickly rectify the problem, and then reach under the counter and hold down the little red button. Within seconds, the pulse will be triggered, thus setting off an invisible chain reaction that will temporarily stun the customer's neurological processes, prevent their synapses from firing properly, and basically leave them so disoriented they can be gently led back out of the store without the slightest incident. Our researchers assure me the customer will wake up the next day absolutely convinced that they used their Personal Shopping Day, and they will be pleased to continue doing business with our bookstores, all without us ever having to actually provide them with a discount!

Now, I have heard rumblings from various stores about what they consider to be the convoluted methods behind the Rewards Card. Some people just love to complain! They think the program is too difficult to explain to people. They cite how many customers have walked up to them and announced they had canceled their cards because it was simply too much of a hassle. They whine about how the online program seems to be offline half the time, rendering them incapable of even adding transactions onto said cards. They argue that too many customers are upset about having their cards mysteriously canceled or closed out without their consent. Naturally, they even question why we seem compelled to change the program Every Single Week.

Some even ask why we can't simply sell books, and just let people come in and buy them. After all, they say, this worked well for centuries and centuries, long before rewards and cards and all that. Well, I say that's crazy talk. It's just the kind of woolly-headed liberal thinking that's got this country in such a mess to begin with. The important thing is, just get as many people signed up as humanly possible, and we'll take care of the rest.

Yours in retail,

Shaky

P.S. Some of you go-getters out there are no doubt wondering if this exciting new program is going to be utilized throughout the holiday season when it comes to the big threat, namely Holiday Savings Days. Well, I don't want to give too much away, but let me assure you corporate is way ahead of the game. I can't say much about this new project except that it involves celebrity midgets and juggling, and if you think electro-neurological pulses do a good job of disorienting customers bent on getting discounts, wait till you get a look at this!